Problem
I am invited to a Jewish funeral. What do I wear? What do I say? What do I write? What will happen?
Answers
Apparently, most of the world's Jews are in the USA and most of them are not orthodox. However, if you are one of the non-Orthodox majority, or married into the faith, or are a neighbour or friend or colleague, you might be glad to have some idea of what to expect.
Invitations
Technically you aren't invited to a funeral. You are merely informed that it will take place and then it's up to you whether you will attend.
This year, for the first time, October 2017, we received notification of a friend's mother's funeral by mobile phone in a text message.
It helps to let the organizers know if you are attending. Then they can organize cars and catering.
What Do I Wear? Black?
I went to one shiva wearing black leather trousers and was told I should not be wearing trousers nor leather.
I went to a funeral wearing all black and everyone else was wearing colours. Strangers came up to me and expressed condolences thinking I was the widow.
I therefore wore dark green with an orange scarf and multi-colour jacket this time. When we drove in I saw that all the people, from three separate funeral, men and women, were all in black. Luckily I was wearing a reversible jacket, so I was able to turn it inside out ante cover the oranges scarf and the black hood covered my hat. I should have put my black hat in my bag, just in case.
Stones on a gravestone in a Jewish cemetery. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.
I am trying to remember the grave from Schindler's list. I remember the long line of people putting a stone on the grave, which tells the living that you have visited.
Shoes
I had known to wear black shoes in case they got muddy. I wanted to wear boots. I didn't have anything suitable. Wellington boots, white plastic with a red St George's cross, whilst ideal for many occasions such as camping, did not seem suitable for a Jewish funeral. People were dressed very smartly, as if for a wedding - but black, as if for a wedding of somebody dead.
Wear walking shoes. Cemeteries can be huge. It was a 15 minute walk to the grave, then back again. No wonder I saw benches by two graves. There's not enough room between most of the gravestones for a bench.
A Minyan
You are supposed to have a minyan, a quorum, a minimum of ten males to say the ritual prayers at a funeral, therefore a Jewish male who was not expecting to go to the funeral might be asked along at the last minute to make up numbers.
Why does this shortage occur? Because even if you have twenty people, the women don't count. The death might occur unexpectedly and a Jewish funeral will be arranged within 48 hours (not on a Sabbath) so people might not have time to travel from overseas. If the person is old, all their contemporaries, their friends, might already be dead. Some of the males are not Jewish and therefore can't be counted in the minimum, because that is the rule and for the sensible reason that they won't know enough Hebrew to say prayers and generally help and support.
Timing of Funeral Ceremony
Arrive in advance. Funerals are short and strictly timed. The staff are busy running people to the grave and back on electric carts. You cannot have delays. You will miss your funeral and end up at somebody else's. You need to arrive before the end and stay to the end of the prayers after the burial, because the location of any tea is announced at the end.
The Cemetery
Put the location of the cemetery in your satnav. Chestnut, in North London, is very confusing because there are two cemeteries, one orthodox and one less Orthodox. At one funeral we went to at least two cars of people were delayed by going to the wrong cemetery.
You might want to visit a grandparent's or ancestor's grave whilst you are at a cemetery. It's handy to keep in your diary the names of ancestors and famous people and where they are buried. I was able to see a photograph of a gravestone when I typed a name on a board in the cemetery forecourt. I now have records of two ancestors in a cemetery. If I had thought about it, I could have typed in Alma Cogan's name and photographed her grave, or a picture of it on the board.
Name Board
Park your car and walk to the front of the prayer hall. There may be more than one funeral. A board outside states the name of the person who is about to be buried. If you arrive earlier you see another name. Yes, you are in the right place. you just have to wait for your family's name to appear and not go up and join the wrong group. You may have two or even three sets of people, all in black.
If in doubt, look for a rabbi, and ask him which funeral. Or a cemetery official.
FINDING YOUR ANCESTOR'S GRAVE
Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.
Cemeteries have gone high tec. This is wonderful. You can type in your ancestor's name and up comes the date of burial of everybody with the same surname, the section and the row.
In the prayer hall
The women stand on the right, then men on the left.
Prayers and Prayer Book
The Prayer book is in both Hebrew and English.
Hand Washing
You wash your hands afterwards. A sign reminds you to wash your hands after the burial before re-entering the hall and picking up the prayer book for the post funeral prayers.
Orthodox people will probably be praying as part of the hand washing ritual which is done, as Queen Elizabeth first said about her annual bath -'whether I need it or not".
This seems sensible, if you are touching the earth to throw it into the grave. But it is supposed to be ritually cleansing, in effect symbolically washing away the misery of the mourning and enabling you to start afresh washing away the depression and starting life again with hope.
The House and Chairs
1 The mourners, the immediate family, sit grouped together, traditionally on low chairs to be closer to the earth. This is handy, so you can line up after the prayers, and find them during the evening.
2 You greet and comfort each one, and say the traditional greeting, "Wish you long life!"
In my opinion this is a very sensible thing to say, because some mourners will feel quite despondent, even suicidal, so it helps, rather than saying negative things to say something positive and future orientated.
The Mirrors
Mirrors are covered.
Covered mirror in the downstairs cloakroom. Photo by Angela Lansbury.
Prayers / Shiva
Prayers are said in the evening. This could take place for one night, two or three nights, for the benefit of those who were unable to attend earlier, or all seven nights, as is a tradition, to enable more people to arrive and give the mourners more people to offer comfort and distraction. If you can't make the funeral, ask about the Shiva. Shiva means seven, the seven nights of mourning, 'sitting shiva' - sitting mourning and receiving guests for seven evenings.
Food and drink
You are likely to be offered tiny shots of kosher alcohol and alternative non-alcoholic drinks.
Amy Winehouse
Amy Winehouse, the singer, 14 Sept 1983-23 July 2011. Confusingly her funeral was held at Edgewarebury Lane Cemetery but she was cremated at Golder's Green Crematorium. Her gravestone is in Bushey Jewish Cemetery where her name is added to the tombstone of another relative, I presume her grandmother. Her songs included Back To Black. She was given a place in Madame Tussaud's, Baker Street, London. Her statue is in Stables Market, Camden Town, London.
Amy Winehouse. Madame Tussaud's, Baker Street, London, England. Photo by Wolfgang Kopp in Wikipedia.
Alma Cogan
Alma Cogan, singer, May 19 1932-Oct 26 1966 is buried in Bushey Cemetery. Alma Cogan, known as the girl with the giggle in her voice, was a friend of the Beatles. Her songs included Don't Do A Tango With An Eskimo. She died of throat cancer.
Useful Websites
https://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=73797369 Amy Winehouse grand gravestone in Edgwarebury Lane Cemetery, Edgware, Middlesex.
https://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=pv&GRid=10464873&PIpi=32822560 Alma Cogan's grave in Bushey Cemetery.
Author
Angela Lansbury, travel writer and photographer, author and speaker.
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