Opening Welcome
I was at a conference, Writers Summer school. Swanwick. Night one I join a table of friends. Four of them. A spare chair. Great.
Later Rejection
But night two, they are saving the spare chair for somebody else. Two spare chairs. Both saved for somebody else. I am not second choice, not third, completely unwanted.
I wonder why. What did I say wrong on night one? Was I not sufficiently talkative and entertaining? Did I bore them?
Did I talk too much about myself? Did I not listen to them?
Did I arrive too late, interrupting their anecdotes? Not getting their in-jokes.
Did I have BO? Or spit in their food? Should I have brought a bottle of wine to the table on night one?
Night two they have other friends at their table. No room for me.
Next day, I learn the other friends are from their area of the country. I feel a bit better. Only a bit.
Alone
I find another table. Six empty chairs. The owner of the table says, welcomingly, "Of course you can sit here. I'm just going."
I sit alone. Lots of other loners ignore me.
Separation
Night three, I see the two spare chairs at their table. But don't approach to be rejected again.
I glance at the table later. Yes, sure enough, the two ladies are there.
Night three, in the lounge area, they are in a large group and a friend who had talked to me previously is there. I sandwich myself between him and the others. One of them says, "Angela ghosted me three times!"
I am astonished. Yes, I had looked at him and he didn't smile so I had turned away.
One of the two girls is really friendly to me. I like her. I can see why they like her.
Personal Stories of Drama
I learn lots of stories. People who seemed to be ignoring me were lost in their own problems. One has a dying sister. Another has broken three ribs. Another lost her son. One spent years getting compensation for a car accident which left her unable to work.
Some of the people drove up alone, as I usually do. (My car engine's wiring was eaten by rats, so this year I could not drive it.)
Driving Buddies
Other have bosom friends they drive with. I feel a twinge of jealousy. Then I speak to a friend who says that on the way home from the last conference she was struck by Covid. She was so ill, falling asleep, she could hardly drive home. If I had driven with her, I would have had a scary journey, at worst caught Covid, at best worried about it for weeks.
Insights About Bereavement
Yet even the sad and bitter stories contain helpful and revealing insights. Complete strangers reveal analytic revelations about how they cope with losses, and have hiccups in their recovery.
One person, 'Alex" said, "After my father died, whenever I met another bereaved person, I asked how old their deceased father was when he died. If my friend's father was older than mine, inside I was jealous, and indignant and angry that my father had not lived to a greater age."
I remember that after my mother died, the Queen Mother died, having lived many more years. I felt the same as Alex. Cheated out of more years with my mother.
Alex said, "I try to remember happy moments with my father. Especially times when we both laughed at something."
Return To A Last Welcome
On the last night, the first night group is a group with the two ladies and no spare chairs. I am alone. I decide to go to bed.
Later, I need a glass of water. So I go back to the bar. The group has gone, but another group of girls welcomes me. I spend a lovely last night with them.
Memories of Rejection In Wales
I recall another writers event, Writers' Holiday, at Caerleon, years ago, but always remembered. I made a friend on evening one. I thought I had found a friend for the whole conference. But next day at breakfast, she sailed past me and plonked herself down beside another lady. Was my dress not good enough?
Later I learned that her breakfast friend, who had just arrived, was from her writers' group back home. They had been friends for twenty years.
Different Types At Swanwick
At Swanwick Writers Summer School, I decided to stop looking at pairs, and trying to be a spare third. Instead, I decided to sit alone on a big table. I smiled and gave a nod at everyone who passed. I waited, to see who chose to sit by me.
Contrasting Characters - In Fab Fancy Dress
It is very much a case of don't judge a book by its cover. When you walk in, you see a room full of strangers and misfits. Glamorous people in pairs. At the fancy dress party, everybody looked gorgeous. Dressing up changed the mood. Strangers photographed each other.
Boring At Breakfast
Sometimes at breakfast time, everybody was tired. Loners, with shabby clothes, bald, and missing teeth. Miserable widows and widowers.
Animation
But when you chat to them, they brighten up, tell you about their heyday, when they wrote twenty best sellers. Everybody has a story to tell. One lady lost her husband to Covid.
I find forgotten friends. Recount courses you have missed. Two more former friends who have renovated a gypsy caravan.
Soon I am in one of those animated groups still talking long after the meal is over. I am entranced by a handsome young man, an enthralling stranger. He tells me amusing quotations. He recites poetry. I am in danger of being late to the talk by a scheduled VIP.
Insights On Rejection
Offer cryptic comments and witticisms about the others. Most entertaining. I tell 'Jenny' about how 'Louise'."She rejected me one year, but is now friendly again. Has she forgotten, or got over it?"
"She had a bad patch. It wasn't you. She was upset with everybody. Now she has pills and she is lovely."
Fond Farewells
On the last morning, as we finish breakfast the last few to leave are calling to their bosom buddies. I notice a popular farewell is, 'Bye Bye, darling. And safe journey home.'
Even if I tip my trifocals from near distance to distant distance I don't see anyone I know well. However, a face I don't recognize walks towards me. I say brightly, "Safe journey!"
She responds. 'Thank you.' She stops walking past. She looks at me expectantly.
Since she has noticed me and replied, I boldly add another mundane remark, "Are you driving?"
"Yes,' she says.
I ask her, "How far?" I am now smiling with delight that I have found an acquaintance to talk to. Last moment, last chance, not alone.
Compliment
Then, she produces a second, unexpected bonus. She says to me, "I was impressed by the way you always came up with a story to tell - at the Lift up your pens session in the morning. And in poetry too!"
I tell her, 'You've made my day.' A day later I was smiling at the memory of her compliment. She made two days. All because I had made the effort to wish her a safe journey. How lovely.
Language Groups
My husband recalls similar events he experienced on hiking holidays. The table with the English speakers is full, or the one chair is being saved by the gang leader for his girlfriend. But the German are saving a seat for their German speaking friend, the one who will be driving them home. So you sit alone at a third table and have to take whoever arrives next.
Moral - Make Friends
So the moral is, if you cannot find a friend, make a friend. This works when you are alone in a crowd, even if you are late, or know nobody. Sometimes a small or large group rejects you. They have no room because you are not number one on their list of friends they want to sit with. If there are 200 people, you are not necessarily 200 out of 200. Maybe you are number two friend out of 200. That ls why you find a table on day one, but the same people reject you on day two.
You can still be the number one conversation partner for somebody. You can still be speaker or the listener. You can still be the donor of goodwill. Or a compliment. Or the recipient of a compliment.
Useful Websites
https://www.swanwickwritersschool.org.uk/
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