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Tuesday, May 21, 2013

What's the Worst Question You've Been Asked For An Impromptu 'Table Topic'


At my first visit to an advanced speakers' club, Excalibur, in central London, I was asked, 'The (government) is proposing debating funding tantric sex for the elderly in hospitals and care homes. What do you think of tantric sex for the elderly?'
    I didn't know what tantric sex was and didn't like to ask. So I said, 'Anything that helps the elderly enjoy life is a good idea. At all ages the elderly are always perceived as anybody a year older than you are. Children, grandchildren, think that they were conceived by chocolate biscuits. Anything which keeps you happy and healthy is a good thing. So long as you've reached the age of consent and not your sex by date.'
I hoped nobody would notice I was off topic and didn't understand the question. Everybody knew.
   Afterwards I realised I should have asked the topics master what it meant. Or for a show of hands from the audience who knew what tantric sex was.
   Then I could have reacted humorously, raised my eyebrows and grinned Mae West style, "Honey - sounds good to me!'
   Or, 'Would you like to demonstrate?'
   Or blinked innocently and asked in a high pitch voice  like Marilyn Monroe, 'Do we need a license?' I could have asked for a show of hands and done a mock scientific survey, 'Seven out of ten toastmasters want tantric sex for the elderly. Please ask your PR person to tell the local paper. That should get us more members.'
   Even worse was: 'Describe the best sex you've ever had.' I did. Dead silence.
   When faced with controversial questions about sex, religion or politics, if you or the audience might be upset, the safest answer is the absurdly off topic humorous reply.

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