Do you visit graves and mausoleums of people you don't know? Millions visit the Taj Mahal, every year. Do you like attending funerals? Many people flew across the world to attend the funeral of Princess Diana, even though they had never met her, nor any of her family.
However, others won't or can't attend the funerals of family and friends. Some people just don't like funerals. Why?
Distress
The upset at losing somebody.
The reminder that we are all mortal.
Seeing the family looking tearful.
Confusion
The confusion of not knowing relatives from friends.
Not knowing what to say.
Not knowing what to wear.
Black Catholic Dress Code
A year or two ago, never forgotten, I turned up in a black and white patterned jacket at an all-black Catholic funeral in the UK. I had to drop to my knees behind the pew in front and reverse my jacket. Luckily it had a black lining.
Timing of Funerals and Flights
This year, 2019, some of my family just changed their flights specially to attend a funeral in London. We had weeks of pre-funeral uncertainty over this. My flights were redemption flights which cannot be changed without paying a premium. So we kept postponing the booking of my flights. Finally, after a couple of months of waiting, we booked my flight. Then we were told the date of the funeral.
Jewish And Muslim Fast Funerals
By contrast, Jewish and Muslim funerals happen fast, so fast you sometimes risk missing them. Traditionally funerals would happen fast because bodies go off in the heat.
I recall a Muslim friend of mine who was angry with her religious authorities who wanted the funeral of her grandparent to take place so quickly that she would not be able to get there. She needed to take a round the world flight from Singapore, allowing a few hours to spare in case of any flight delays.
She had lots of things to arrange. Not just the flight for three people when planes were full in high season. Packing for the children. She was pregnant and needed a doctor's letter for the airline saying she was safe to fly and would not give birth in mid-air.
Jewish Orthodox Tradition
I attended one Jewish funeral, years ago, when somebody I knew pointed out that I was wearing black leather trousers. Both leather and trousers were considered unsuitable. However, the mourners made no comment on my clothes and said they were very glad I attended.
More recently I attended an Orthodox funeral. To me any synagogue which is not Liberal or Reform sounds Orthodox. Best to ask the dress code. I was surprised that peole were wearing mixed black and colours and colours. Only the immediate family wore all black. That way you could identify the immediate family.
My wearing all black caused confusion. Three people assumed I was one of the daughters. They told me, "So sorry to hear about your father". Since my own father had died recently, that caused even more confusion.
Christian Delayed Funeral
Contrasting with Jewish and Muslim funeral which take place fast, Christian funerals can be delayed endlessly. Recently we kept waiting weeks for news. 'Will it be a quick family service only, with a public memorial service six months or a year later?'
After weeks of uncertainty, my family not booking return fights, the date was been announced. it turned out that the widow, who also lost their son earlier the same year, had taken events badly, and had been yo-yoing in and out of hospital and nursing homes.
Time Off Work
I heard that my family were disappointed that only about thirty people turned up. None were noticeable from the deceased man's workplace, which was a bank.
I can see that an important institution cannot have double figures of people taking the day off, whether as paid leave or as holiday allowance. However, I think one person as representative of the company should go.
Back To Work
I have been to events where people who are working attended the service, then disappeared.
I asked, "Why did they leave so early? Why didn't they stay for the reception? Everybody was invited!"
"They could not take the whole day off work." So they attended only the late morning service, not the family get together over lunch food afterwards.
Others might miss the religious service, but come to the house after work to console the family by ensuring they are not alone and lonely.
There is the last minute hunt for the black clothes, the shoes, the socks, cuff links, change jewellery. When my mother in law was in her nineties, I had a black dress and matching hat hanging on the far right of the wardrobe, ready for her funeral or anybody of her generation. I was prepared.
Sometimes the deceased person themselves asks for no fuss. Freddie Mercury was one. You cannot see a grave for him. Only a plaque.
Plaque to Freddie Mercury in Feltham, London, England.
And statues of Freddie.
Statue of Freddie Mercury in Montreux, Switzerland.
To allow the ground to settle over a grave, only several weeks after the funeral, a heavy headstone is set up.
In Singapore I learned that there the Indians have no idea what a gravestone means. I gave a talk, ending with a picture of Spike Milligan's humorous headstone message, in Gaelic to thwart restrictions. The English translation is: I told you I was ill.
Indian Cremations
The Indians had cremation, but no headstone. So don't assume that all family, friends and colleagues will understand what is required.
Distant Relatives
At one funeral in London, an ipad was set up so that family in Australia could watch the event and join and and speak to those attending.
Records
For anybody who misses the event, you can keep a copy of the funeral oration, or the obituary in the local newspaper, to post on to wellwishers.
Traditionally, funeral directors and tombstone suppliers have cars which they sell, announcing a funeral, or thanking those who attended.
Another record is to list your deceased family member's gravestone or obituary on find-a-grave, ancestry, or one of the memorial websites.
Useful Websites
find a grave
visitbritain.com
Author, Angela Lansbury, travel writer and photographer, author and speaker. See other posts and next post on cemetery visits. Please share links to your favourite posts.
