A family travelled from Australia to London for their friend's funeral. It's snowing. Will we reach the funeral and get back? Are modern funerals like those in the old days?
My late father told me that when he was a teenager in the late 1930s in London, England, he organized the cars to the cemetery for his grandfather's funeral on a snowy day. The car got stuck in the snow and stopped. My father had to get out and push, standing with one foot on the running board, then turn the cranking handle. My father's uncle Gus, nicknamed the Joker, quipped, "Your Grandad doesn't want to go!"
The snow in the suburbs is worse than the warm centre of London. Photo by Angela Lansbury.
Problem
Winter seems to be funeral time. Is it the cold killing everybody off? Or the cold days and short days, and dark depressing everybody? I was invited to another funeral this week in 2018. Invited is not the right word, not etiquette. You are not invited. That's for weddings and celebrations. You are informed. It was modern. The message came by what's ap.
My lime green car is not the appropriate colour for a funeral. Photo by Angela Lansbury.
We can hardly see to drive. Photo by Angela Lansbury.
Whose car will we travel in?
The mourners travel with the coffin in a cortege. Here are the funeral cars which went to a Christian cremation. Funeral cars look alike - unless you have a horse and carriage.
Funeral Car In Black. Photo by Angela Lansbury.
What else did I find out I needed to know? Parking.
Parking
Parking - is it easy? The last two or three cemeteries I went to had big parking areas. But this week's was in the centre of London and very difficult parking. A good thing I went with somebody else.
Liberal Jewish Cemetery. Quite different to the Orthodox ones. Despite the theory that 'anything goes nowadays', most mourners wore black or dark colours. My plan to wear black to play it safe turned out to be correct.
Clothing Colours
Nothing worse than being the only person in bright pink at a funeral of over two hundred people all in black, when you are not even related. (That happened to me at a Catholic church in Southern England in 2017. I wasn't wearing bright pink, dusty rose, but it looked luminous like bright pink. I felt as inconspicuous as a flashing Belisha Beacon.)
Seats and No Seats
This month, Feb 2018, the funeral of a young man with cystic fibrosis, died in his late thirties, had over 200 people. His friends included those who had flown in from Australia. Latecomers did not get seats. I was standing inside. The last people to arrive, even worse off, were left outside, could not get in the door. They could not sit. They could not see nor hear the speeches.
There were three speeches by the mother, father and sister. No microphone, so those outside could not hear.
A Christian Cremation Funeral
In January I went to the cremation of a Christian neighbour, who had reputedly died (committed suicide?), after depression. The white coffin and pink flowers helped uplift the spirits. At the cremation, the coffin was left behind as we filed out, and curtains closed around the coffin.
Liberal Jewish Burial Funeral
For a Jewish burial in England, the coffin sits in the prayer hall while the eulogy (speech of praise) is read after the prayer. The Jewish minister was a woman.
The prayer books open back to front, because of the Hebrew, but the English is on the opposite page. You may have to share prayer books.
Reading Hebrew
If you want to learn the Hebrew alphabet you can do so on Duolingo Tinycards. You can also brush up on your Hebrew words and phrases and simple sentences with Duolingo.
Services seem to start, or continue with at least one paragraph about we are all dust, and live briefly as the grass.
Jewish Prayers
You might be interested in learning the Kaddish (prayer said at funerals, actually an affirmation of belief in and trust in God) in Hebrew or English or both. In the Liberal prayer book which was used, some of the paragraphs read were from the Song Of Songs. You can find the sources at the back of the prayer book (following the numbered pages. The back which looks like the front because the book goes backwards).
In the audience we had members of a Toastmasters International club, of all religions and none.
How To Get A Copy Of The Speech
You are not supposed to take photos or videos. I think that's a pity. Often the person reading the eulogy has a handwritten or typed copy of the speech. If you wish to read it, or send it to a relative of yours who could not attend, they might send it to you or give it to you. If there's only one copy and they don't want to part with it, you could take a photo of it with your smart phone to read later.
(At another cremation, of my ninety-year-old distant aunt, I emailed a copy to the speech to the lady who ran the care home. She had gone to the wrong cemetery by mistake.)
I made a mistake not taking an umbrella.
That person with the umbrella did the right thing. Photo by Angela Lansbury.
I was once told that Ashkenazi graves, for 'German' and also European people, have upright headstones, but graves for the Sephardi ('Spanish' -also Moroccan and Middle Eastern). This UK cemetery has both.
Wheeling The Coffin
At the Liberal Jewish funeral, the coffin, covered in dark cloth, was then wheeled out to the graveside, a long walk, with the coffin and the family at the front of the procession.
The oblong hole for the coffin was large and has wooden or other reinforcements to keep the walls upright. The cemetery attendants lower the coffin. Then they wheel off the bier, a bit like an empty hospital trolley, ready to collect the next coffin.
Spooky, seeing the black-coated men trundle off in the distance, without the coffin. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.
At really big cemeteries the elderly and infirm can take an electric buggy a bit like a golf cart. Remember to wear closed shoes, not your high heels, in case your grave is at the end of the grassy field, especially if it is or was raining or snowing. In case it is raining or snowing, even if you travelled there by car, you might need an umbrella for the cemetery walk. Plus gloves and a warm hat and scarf.
The Practicalities
The coffin is wheeled to the graveside, where the removed earth is in a pile. At a Jewish cemetery, rabbi, the minister, is likely to say a few words in Hebrew. Then the rabbi may throw in a handful of earth, and the immediate family are the first to pick up a handful, or use a spade to throw in a lot.
No Flowers
At the Christian cremation, we had flowers on display. At a Jewish funeral generally no flowers.
A Romanian Eastern Orthodox Christian cemetery, full of colourful real or plastic flowers. Photo by Angela Lansbury.
No Hand Washing?
Traditionally, at a Jewish cemetery we would wash hands and say a prayer during the hand washing. You might think that it's healthy to wash your hands. But apparently, the prayer and ritual cleansing and re-starting life, symbolically is equally important, or more important, or the only important thing, depending who you ask. But this was Liberal Jewish. No hand-washing.
We debated whether everybody would go back into 'the chapel'. I was sure they would. You always do. Firstly, for a quick final prayer, secondly and/or to tell everybody they are all invited to tea wherever, and prayers later, at that address or another.
Then we drove off to the funeral tea. Nobody was organizing cars. I was now shunted to a different car, with different friends.
Mixed colour bread. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.
Funeral Tea - The Best
At a Jewish event, usually a kosher caterer. This event had a caterer who provided as far as I could see, no alcohol but several types of soft drinks.
Bagels with smoked salmon. What looked like aubergine wraps. Two people told me they were good. But I liked the smoked salmon half bagels, with either poppyseed or sesame seed.
I asked who did the catering. Somebody said Danieli.
Most unusual were the sandwiches in a mixture of breads including a bread which looked like a marble cake, with dark brown bread contrasting with white.
For 'dessert' skewers of fruit, giant red strawberries, yellow pineapple chunks, green fruit. While eating tea, yuou are likely to meet people from all over the world.
Esperanto on the grave, in Warsaw, Poland, of Zamenhof, who invented the international language. Photo by Adrian Grycuk in Wikipedia article on Zamenhof.
The Cemetery
If you linger in a cemetery, or go looking for your own family's graves, you will find Hebrew useful. If you don't have time to learn it, print out the Hebrew-English so you can read gravestones. It is enormously satisfying to read a word or two in a foreign language.
Many people nowadays are hunting for their ancestors' graves to help with their life history. Latin would be useful looking at Roman tombstones in museums. Esperanto for the grave of Zamenhof, the founder of the easy international language.
Useful Websites
Hebrew Alphabet
tinycards.duolingo.com - Hebrew
Hebrew Language
Duolingo.com - Hebrew
Kaddish
The kaddish is written in Aramaic, the language of the people, as well as some literature, at the time of the Romans and Jesus. Oddly enough, it focuses on god and eternity rather than the soul of the deceased. A bit like singing God Save the Queen at the end of a cinema performance in the old days, a solemn ending calling on the Almighty, trusting that your fragile brief life is part of the eternal good, and hoping that the Almighty will soon bring peace and life to all.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kaddish (Multiple technical translations.)
https://www.shiva.com/learning-center/sitting-shiva/kaddish/ (A soothing modern translation.)
Find A Grave
f
indagrave.com 70 million memories.
Catering For Funeral And Other Events
Daniels Catering
Tel: 020 8455 5826 Mob: 07931 576779
cafdan@aol.com
www.danielsbakery.co.uk
http://www.kosher.org.uk/caterers
http://travelwithangelalansbury.blogspot.co.uk/2016/08/whats-difference-between-kosher-and.html
What To Say
To orthodox Jewish mourning family you say: "Wish you long life."
When saying goodbye to other guests and relatives you might say, "May we meet again - on happier occasions!"
More on funerals:
http://travelwithangelalansbury.blogspot.co.uk/2018/02/what-was-good-about-middlesex-stadium.html
http://travelwithangelalansbury.blogspot.co.uk/2017/10/frank-talk-about-jewish-funeral.html
Author
Angela Lansbury, travel writer and photographer, author and speaker. See my other posts on funerals and learning languages. Please like, follow, and share links to your favourite posts.
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