I have spent 48 hours trying to work out what I like and dislike about venues. Some people like natural venues, no signs, discover it for yourself. I like visitor friendly venues.
Some people are outraged if they go to a beauty spot and see a sign to the toilets, photo spot or car park. the same goes for stately homes.
I like either a friendly person who greets me and tells me where to find food, toilets, sights, gifts. Or signs.
That was why I was unnerved and felt unwelcome at Brocket Hall and Auberge du Lac. I could not find the way. We were all arguing with each other and phoning each other with directions.
On arrival I felt as if I were intriguing by sitting by the lake. I felt like an intruder going upstairs and looking for the toilet. I've been in places where there are no signs to toilets and when you go the wrong way by mistake the staff are there to bar your way and tell you which areas are off limits.
I like a shop, a postcard, a book on the history of the property, something about the venue in the menu. Rooms named after guests or ancestors.
Staff happy to tell you the history of the building.
Yes, I can see that too much questioning could be seen as intrusive. Happy birthday - how old are you. Goodness you are older than you look. Where did you come from, different directions, so you are not married but having an affair? Anybody close to you died, on drugs, divorced? I see you've been in trouble recently.
The way to avoid this is to talk about neutral topics. But showing an interest in the person you are addressing and being positive.
For example, 'Welcome to ...(historic house, whatever). ...Enjoy your stay/evening/meal.'
You have a lovely day/evening for sailing, sitting by the pool/lake).
Yes, you booked online/ I spoke to you on the phone earlier / my colleague / our manager, Simon/name told me you booked a table for three.
Would you like a table by the window with a view of the park / lake ? Now you've had cocktails by the lake we have a quiet corner for you, secluded in a nook.
I'll be back with coffee later. If you want anything just raise your hand and wave and I'll be right over.
If the venue is running fancy dress party, some people will have not had the time or money or inclination to buy or make costumes, or work out what fits the theme. It took me days to work out what to wear for a fifties party, the right skirt length, neckline, shoes, jewellery, hairstyle.
The venue/ organisers should off a cheap paper hat for those who are willing but don't have cash to splash, as well as some really fancy costumes available as last minute purchases for last minute guests, those who have more money than time, or missing luggage!
If you don't want huge banners ruining the yesteryear atmosphere your historic stately home, nor blocking the view and smiling photos, a discreet plaque which is smaller and therefore cheaper. Please save your desperately looking-for-the-loo guests from running up and down four flights of stairs, taking lifts down to spooky basements, down endless corridors, into private bedrooms interrupting outraged couples, hit on the head by falling objects in broom cupboards, walking onstage in piano recitals or worse.
(I've experienced most of these. The entrance door used to send latecomers who couldn't get taxis on rainy days into the museum, alongside the speaker at the former museum in Singapore. Lifts in hotels and shopping malls taking you down to deserted basement car parks. The stairs at the far end of the corridor from the sports centre into the Tanglin Club take you into the Car Park (the loos are hidden behind reception in the lobby).
The manager of a hotel in Lisbon, Portugal once took a group of camera-wielding journalists into the supposedly unoccupied honeymoon suite, to find a honeymoon couple in bed. A 'do not disturb sign' or occupied sign operated from inside might have helped warn. The punchline to this true story is that the manager went back to reception and said, send a note of apology and a bunch of flowers up to the honeymoon suite, not now - later!
Large Beds - The Great Bed of Ware, V and A
If you want to see the four-poster above, it's the Great Bed of Ware, in the Victoria and Albert Museum. (If you are going specially to see it, ask if it's on display.) It supposedly slept three couples. Or was it more?
Honeymoon Hotels and Anniversaries in the UK
If you want your own four-poster, look for any old inn in the centre of a British city, check if they have a four-poster, and if it's free on the date you choose. (Usually a suite at a higher price.)
Lake District
Or try the Lake District. Some hotels have two or more four posters. Many hotels have several. At least one hotel all the rooms have four-posters.
Grimsdyke Hotel
In North West London try the Grimsdyke hotel. The main house has at least one grand old style room. Old beds might have posts, with or without drapes, a covering above, or just a half-tester like a tray over the pillow, with or without a curtain to conceal the face of the lady (or the lord's ladyfriend).
Angela Lansbury, BA Hons, travel writer, author, raconteur, humorous speech winner and speech trainer.
See 'Angela Lansbury Author' and 'Angela Lansbury Poet' on YouTube reading comic poetry and explaining grammar, spelling and restaurant etiquette.
