Chatting: Signalling Come and Go and Personal Space

I wrote about the I talk to Strangers badge on Facebook. A friend of mine on Facebook (a real friend who found me on Facebook but knew me years ago from a post graduate literature club) told me on holiday she used body language if she needs to discourage chats from a fellow diner at a hotel who apparently thought she ought to eat the dish he had ordered and in the way he suggested.

Mostly I'd be delighted to chat about food to a stranger, and adopt their suggestions on the principle of try anything once.

She was making another point. That you can use body language to encourage or discourage conversation.

Touching
Closeness is another factor. I recently sat next two three Singaporean friends (two long-standing friends and another I met on an aircraft and chatted to for several hours). In all three cases these ladies were tactile. The first two prodded me with their fingertips to hold my attention when making a point.

Arm Rest
The third was taking over my arm rest. I kept trying to move away each time our arms accidentally touched. I considered putting up a cushion as a barrier.

But we were friends. We were deep in conversation. Since I wanted to be psychologically close to her, I decided physical closeness was the way to go. If you can't beat them, join them. So I snuggled up withy arm comfortably against hers.

Photo Barriers and Linking Arms
On another occasion I was standing in the back row of a group being photographed. The jolly and friendly club committee member standing in front was blocking the view of me by standing arms akimbo. I could not push him out of the way. I instinctively took hold of his elbow. Since did not take the hint to move, I linked arms with him and hugged his arm tightly. Much better visually and psychologically. I was now friends with him in the picture and in life.

As a photographer, if one person is blocking another, you could ask them to link arms.

Angela Lansbury

The Stress Of Travel And Meeting New People

Santa and a girl. Photo by  Jacob Windham from Wikipedia.

 

A Facebook friend posted a picture of Santa visiting special needs children. She said her beloved child in the photo coped very well. I started thinking about the challenges of meeting new people and people in uniform. As a child, I was nervous of anybody in uniform.

Such as a nun. 

Later I was nervous about approaching and asking directions from an Orthodox Jewish man in a large hat. Was he allowed to shake hands with a woman. Was I permitted to speak?

A man standing on sentry duty with a gun is obviously not there to give directions. When you visit a foreign venue, you can't tell who is who. Don't approach a man with a weapon.

Then I was in the USA in the middle of the mountains and valleys and we were lost. A man on a horse has a gun. My husband tells me to ask the way. I hesitate. "He's got a gun!"

"Never mind that. Who else are we going to ask? We're in the middle of the mountains and we're lost. Ask him!"

But the man tips his hat and says, "Howd'y, M'am." He is as amazed and delighted to meet people all the way from England, with English accents, as we are to met a real cowboy on a real horse with a real big Stetson hat and a real gun. I have the giggles for miles. Even now, years late, I am smiling at the memory.

Later in life I would be nervous about approaching a commissionaire outside a hotel, or even Harrods department store.

Santa Claus Character
Back to the little boy meeting Santa Claus. It's a challenge for Santa Claus too. Being in costume. Acting in character. Never knowing what they will ask or say. Having to be encouraging. Not upsetting the child or the parents. Especially meeting children with special needs.

I wrote:

I am sure they both coped very well. A very interesting thought have have inspired. For a child of any age and ability, even an adult, meeting a person in costume or uniform is a challenge. Meeting Father Christmas is your first Elevator Speech, introducing yourself and having the courage to say what you want. My name is .. and what I would like from you is a gift of ... Everybody is nervous about asking for what they want for birthdays and Christmas. So glad it went well for you all.

What are the lessons to learn?

Get to know the uniforms and customs and greetings of the people who you will meet. Learn their language and the polite forms. I have had to learn not to grasp the shoulder of a man in Hong Kong or Malaysia to show friendliness. They don't like being touched by a strange woman.

Remove shoes at the door. Wear shoes easy to remove. Label your shoes with your name if going to a large party. Or put your shoes in the hotel shower cap.

Learn to say hello, goodbye and thank you. Practise every day for a week before leaving home.

ANGELA LANSBURY, travel writer and photographer, author and speaker.