Problem
You go to look for the gravestone of your ancestor or relative, or a famous person buried in the cemetery, and vital information is missing. They put up quotations from the bible, which anybody can read at home, but don't give the essential information. Why doesn't the gravestone give the birthdate as well as the death date? And deeply mourned by sister, daughter, grand-daughters? Why no names? It doesn't cost that much extra to add a name, or a four-figure number?
Having spoken to families about their gravestones and obit notices, I know that one reason is family feuds.
For example:
GRAVESTONE - MISSING NAME
"He didn't come to the funeral, never visited our mother, and didn't offer to pay anything for the gravestone, so I didn't put his name on it. He didn't deserve it."
OBITUARY - Death announcement
Another source of information is death announcements.
MISSING NAME
"Our brother said he didn't want mourning longer than an afternoon tea and didn't want notices in the papers so I agreed with my sister and my ex-wife that we wouldn't put in a notice in the paper. She rang me up to say everyone had told them they ought to inform people, so they decided to put in a notice with their names. They didn't put in my name. They could have done, but they didn't. Now the deadline has passed and I'm peeved with them - typical of them."
Oh, dear oh dear. When you go to look at a gravestone, the lack of information wasn't done to spite you, or out of concern for money, but some other reason.
NLP Analysis
I know somebody trained with doctors at a London hospital in NLP (neuro-linguistic programming - a step up from positive thinking, used in medicine, morale-boosting through language and optimism for the future, putting the past behind you, visualising positive outcomes).
His view is: a / the husband and wife have already split up because they cannot agree. So they should each do their own thing. She should make the announcement in her name.
She can't win by including his name. He will object to something.
The husband puts in his announcement.
Multiple Announcements
(I always used to read dozens of announcement of the same death. I wondered why the family didn't get together and save money and make one announcement. Now I know why. The main person doesn't want to pay for dozens of other names which deflect from the parents. But others don't want to be left out. The company where somebody worked also wishes to be included or to pay respects.)
Who are the newspaper announcements for?
To honour the dead, so they are not forgotten?
To provide next of kin with something to hang on to, a place to go to talk to their deceased relative, somewhere to speak or cry - whilst carrying on as normal at home?
To provide links between relatives and those who wish to comfort them?
To provide information about individuals families and communities to their descendants and future generations of the area and
A Plea
Do me a favour, do a favour to all the researchers and descendants, put all the names on regardless. And tell everyone that when you die, keep all records, save money if you want, share costs. and stay friends.
When you die, by all means tell your next of kin or executors that you do not expect them to do this and that. However, if they wish to do so, you don't wish to cause ill feeling by telling one side of the family not to do it when the others wish to do it.
Prayers and Sitting Shiva
Sitting shiva means sitting receiving visitors every evening for a week. This might entail having to see people and entertain them with food, keep chairs ready, pay a voluntary donation to a rabbi to read prayers.
However, a family which did not sit Shiva (seven in Hebrew) found that although they weren't expecting prayers in the evening, instead they got neighbours, distant relatives, people who had been working on the day of the funeral, dozens of well-wishers and callers all day long. Some, not obliged to be silent during prayers and to listen to the rabbi, who would be suitably serious, but composed, instead were coming around and crying, which upset the bereaved people even more.
Instead of having fewer callers, for fewer hours, by ignoring the old set time system, they got more random hours callers.
This is what is known in politics as the Law Of Unintended Consequences.
So, sometimes, conventional clothing for funerals and hours of prayer, starting at sunset, although a nuisance for those unfamiliar with these rules or who don't like rules, can act as a quick way to get everybody behaving in a predictable fashion.
Author
Angela Lansbury, travel writer and photographer, author and speaker. Please share links to your favourite posts.
You go to look for the gravestone of your ancestor or relative, or a famous person buried in the cemetery, and vital information is missing. They put up quotations from the bible, which anybody can read at home, but don't give the essential information. Why doesn't the gravestone give the birthdate as well as the death date? And deeply mourned by sister, daughter, grand-daughters? Why no names? It doesn't cost that much extra to add a name, or a four-figure number?
Having spoken to families about their gravestones and obit notices, I know that one reason is family feuds.
For example:
GRAVESTONE - MISSING NAME
"He didn't come to the funeral, never visited our mother, and didn't offer to pay anything for the gravestone, so I didn't put his name on it. He didn't deserve it."
OBITUARY - Death announcement
Another source of information is death announcements.
MISSING NAME
"Our brother said he didn't want mourning longer than an afternoon tea and didn't want notices in the papers so I agreed with my sister and my ex-wife that we wouldn't put in a notice in the paper. She rang me up to say everyone had told them they ought to inform people, so they decided to put in a notice with their names. They didn't put in my name. They could have done, but they didn't. Now the deadline has passed and I'm peeved with them - typical of them."
Oh, dear oh dear. When you go to look at a gravestone, the lack of information wasn't done to spite you, or out of concern for money, but some other reason.
NLP Analysis
I know somebody trained with doctors at a London hospital in NLP (neuro-linguistic programming - a step up from positive thinking, used in medicine, morale-boosting through language and optimism for the future, putting the past behind you, visualising positive outcomes).
His view is: a / the husband and wife have already split up because they cannot agree. So they should each do their own thing. She should make the announcement in her name.
She can't win by including his name. He will object to something.
The husband puts in his announcement.
Multiple Announcements
(I always used to read dozens of announcement of the same death. I wondered why the family didn't get together and save money and make one announcement. Now I know why. The main person doesn't want to pay for dozens of other names which deflect from the parents. But others don't want to be left out. The company where somebody worked also wishes to be included or to pay respects.)
Who are the newspaper announcements for?
To honour the dead, so they are not forgotten?
To provide next of kin with something to hang on to, a place to go to talk to their deceased relative, somewhere to speak or cry - whilst carrying on as normal at home?
To provide links between relatives and those who wish to comfort them?
To provide information about individuals families and communities to their descendants and future generations of the area and
A Plea
Do me a favour, do a favour to all the researchers and descendants, put all the names on regardless. And tell everyone that when you die, keep all records, save money if you want, share costs. and stay friends.
When you die, by all means tell your next of kin or executors that you do not expect them to do this and that. However, if they wish to do so, you don't wish to cause ill feeling by telling one side of the family not to do it when the others wish to do it.
Prayers and Sitting Shiva
Sitting shiva means sitting receiving visitors every evening for a week. This might entail having to see people and entertain them with food, keep chairs ready, pay a voluntary donation to a rabbi to read prayers.
However, a family which did not sit Shiva (seven in Hebrew) found that although they weren't expecting prayers in the evening, instead they got neighbours, distant relatives, people who had been working on the day of the funeral, dozens of well-wishers and callers all day long. Some, not obliged to be silent during prayers and to listen to the rabbi, who would be suitably serious, but composed, instead were coming around and crying, which upset the bereaved people even more.
Instead of having fewer callers, for fewer hours, by ignoring the old set time system, they got more random hours callers.
This is what is known in politics as the Law Of Unintended Consequences.
So, sometimes, conventional clothing for funerals and hours of prayer, starting at sunset, although a nuisance for those unfamiliar with these rules or who don't like rules, can act as a quick way to get everybody behaving in a predictable fashion.
Author
Angela Lansbury, travel writer and photographer, author and speaker. Please share links to your favourite posts.
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